Felt like writing a diary... Since no one knows about my blog.. Hihi
Today was a good day.. Will take every challenge in everyday positively.. As usual today was a happy day.... Update from the last post about dr J.. Yup!he failed me but i wasnt surprised at all..yet i was even determined to sit for the remedial exam and wanted to pass with flying colours...to prove him wrong! Me and my friend went to hospital to study our mistake and practiced hard till the day of the exam..as usual that morning i woke up at2 o'clock reading my books and at 7 I left my house and went to the hospital..that morning we voted for our numbers and i got number 6... My lucky '6' and i got an easy case that is ccf.. As i turned around suddenly i found that my examiner(also my mentor) will be taking my case.. So happy since he knows me.. And kind of confident that i could answer most of the question but i still pray in all my prayers hoping that i will pass this one if not i will have to repeat the whole year and it will be a waste for me..
Today my mentor called me..and he said that they just finished their meeting with the dean.. And he said that he failed me and one of my friend (which is also his mentee)... Keep asking me if i think i performed well or not....how would i know dr! You judge!
Somehow..one of his words was ' i was just joking..' But it wasnt clear..the phone was a bit off or is it just me?am i hallucinating right now? I said that i confused and couldnt understand it.. But he kept on saying he failed me afterthat making me more confused..is it really true dr? How can my heart say the other? He said he will try to help me with no promises.. And he said that u have to study better next time.. 12 people failed when they seat for the remedial exam. So another 36 must have passed right? Why am i not the one then? It kept playing in my mind....
Then u shall ask why the power abuse right? I think all the dr in medicine like to abuse people with their power... Even if they have the right to put the grade on us and judge us during the exam they have no right to pull us down in our own concious mind.(same goes to my beloved dr J) ... Did they think by saying this before the actual result is endorsed really help me? It even pull my strength and confidence down..and above all i even felt inferior now to continue my medicine course... They are all using their power and playing with our mind..then why did you not call us for viva??!
I hate liars the most in the world..lets see if he pass me or failed me.. Even if he passed me i will just put him the same level as dr J..hurm.... Lets just see!
Today since i received the call when im with my little sister.. She knew that my mentor called me to fail me,.she then told my mother about it..(when i dont want to tell her since it is not even official yet right?) since she told her thinking maybe she wanted to help me express my mind but in a bad way my mom changes into bad mood..i knew that it could change her mood that is why i decided to just make it quite but my little sister told her.. So her actual mind do the talking.. She really is scared that i have to repeat my year since 60k will be on the line.. She even said that since the dr called it must be true... She said that how can i said that i can answer them when the dr called me.. So her fear took over her.the TRUST is lost from that moment...and she speaks her mind..she said that if i have to repeat year then just change the course and find another university...she cant be spending it on me anymore... TRUE! That is what i thought..i cant be wasting her money anymore..why do i feel really burdened by this course? When i first got into medicine..i felt so happy that in the future i will in the first line helping people holding them...but now i even though that it is my mistake.. Because i never asked Allah about it..is it good or bad.. As it is not the 1st time failing her trust went down on me and she even said that you kept failing... I tried and tried but what can i do..the doctors like to fail me no matter how hard i work on reading all the books.. Even a friend of mine rarely study and only study last minute and even did not go to the lecture pass her exam easily.. Why is that so Allah?
But i dont have the heart to raise that issue since i know Allah know it best! And what is my future and my best option eventhough i have losty mom's trust... Hurm.. I always see that Allah will always rescue me when im in a really critical condition and Allah has never let me down before... So will always put my trust in HIM.. My best hero and savior..Allah is the most superior and i will not listen to others word unless he agreed to their word..so dr..dun try to make me down as i will make sure to humiliate you back by my success.. Try me!
Now that i have written the story lets see what my journey will end up in... Staying in medicine to my 4th year or changing my course and start new.. Stay waiting.. Will update soon...
Yours truely,
Anabahibbak abadan..
Some additional wise word...
